


Blinded by the Tears of Madness

by Rainyday_Rainbow



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Anxiety, Depression, Heavy Angst, Self-Harm, Suicide
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-07
Updated: 2019-03-07
Packaged: 2019-11-13 14:37:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,305
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18033578
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Rainyday_Rainbow/pseuds/Rainyday_Rainbow
Summary: Evan’s drowning... but now, there’s no one willing to save him(Based around the song Good for You)





	Blinded by the Tears of Madness

**Author's Note:**

> Basically a vent fan fiction

Evan’s hands snaked their way into his messed up hair, tugging with a grip that turned his knuckles white as he screamed wretchedly into the all consuming darkness that threatened to rip him apart from his very seams. The tears gushed out in vision-blurring floods, pouring out every inch of life that was held in his slowly dulling eyes, dripping down his facing and falling down to hit the floor with a loud thud, the only thing that broke through the ringing in his ears. 

Everything had fallen apart. The very world around him was caving in… and he was cemented to the floor, trying desperately to claw his way out, to make it all finally stop, but only succeeding in bloodying his fingers and breaking his chewed nails into shattered pieces that matched his situation. The angered yells of his friends, his mother, and the girl of his dreams resounded within his skull, ricocheting around in his batter mind that could barely form a coherent thought at the moment. They were loud, demeaning, angry… and just disappointed. Completely and utterly disgusted with his very existence. Evan could feel their harsh gazes, beating down upon him and burning his skin, making it itch with shame and guilt that only deepened with every passing moment. 

“I’ve done everything for you!!” Heidi’s motherly voice was raised in a deeply hurt shout, one that robbed Evan of all breath, causing him to wither and gasp, for he knew he had put that hurt in her voice, put the disbelief that her only son, her only family, could abandon her for some dream life that he’d crafted for himself, in her fragile heart. “I’m so freaking sorry that It wasn’t enough to satisfy you! But, please, by all means, go have fun with your fantastic NEW family that can clearly give you what you freaking want!” Her blue eyes, once as gentle and soft as a quiet wave rolling onto the beaches shore, was now sharp, and burning with a fire that Evan didn’t know could exist. “Go do what’s best for you. Go enjoy your life as a Murphy…” And the voice faded, leaving nothing in its wake aside from the word  **Abandoned** that carved it’s way into his arm. Evan watched as his tears fell down to mix with the crimson blood that dribbled from the word that wrenched it’s way into his heart and hammered against it with all the fury of his mother voice. 

“Are you even sorry?” Alana’s crisp voice cut in, slicing through the air and hitting Evan in such a way that he was forced onto his knees with a hefty bang. Her voice was nowhere near as loud as Heid’s had been, but the emotion was perhaps twice as strong, simply oozing with betrayal and distrust that dripped onto him, feeding the darkness that lingered inside of him. “You lied to me! You lied to everyone! What on Earth were you thinking?” Evan once again clawed at his head, pulling strands of hair out as he searched desperately for an answer. He didn't know. He didn’t know. He didn't know… He just wanted to... “Well I hope it was fun for you! Cause it wasn’t for me. You dragged me along for your sick ride, but now you get to enjoy the rest of it on your own.” He could feel her cold and judging eyes leave him as well, adding another word to his apparently growing collection. Blood trailed down from his collar, creating a perfect stain all the way down his shirt, and the slow and torturous  **Liar** was added, staining his porcelain skin for all eternity. 

“Glad I could be of good freaking service to your sorry excuse for a teen.” Came Jared’s all too familiar voice, each word laced with heavy sarcasm, and underlined with pain that matched the sting from Evan’s carvings. “I hope you make it freaking far kid! Sorry that I got in your way! I’ll be more careful next time!” His tone was piercing, sharp enough to rip apart what was left of Evan’s sanity, dragging him deeper and deeper into the numbness that he so desperately wanted to get out of.  **Failure. Worthless. Lonely. Jerk.** Four words. Four places. Four agony filled sobs that tore through the end of Jared’s speech. Four screams that wouldn’t let the silence settle in for more than half a second. 

Then… Evan made to biggest mistake. He opened his eyes, turning the bloodshot orbs up, and quickly meeting the dull, forest green eyes that had once looked into his own with a love-stricken gaze, with want and acceptance, eyes that had once calmed the butterflies in his stomach and stir them up all at once. But now, Zoe’s gaze matched his own, it was dull and broken, tear flooded and hurt. She said nothing, and that hurt more than anything she could spit at him, for it showed how much he’d hurt her… and how badly he had destroyed that small, glint of hope that he had stoked with nothing but lies and deceit. Zoe just looked at him, and never before had Evan felt so exposed underneath a pair of eyes. She finally saw him for what he really was. A  **Broken mess** that could barely form a single sentence without messing something up. A  **Stupid** boy that lived in fantasy world because he was too  **Cowardly** to face up to the truth. A freaking  **Ugly, Fake, Waste of Space** that didn’t have a place anywhere in the life he’d destroyed. She could see it all now… And she could now hate it just as much as everyone else did. 

“STOP IT, STOP IT!!” Evan screamed hoarsely, buckling over and clutching at his shirt as if he’d been brutally punched in the gut. “Please!!” He watched as Zoe turned from him, walking away at a painfully slow pace that forced Evan to watch for what felt like hours as he was left completely alone. Suffocating in the darkness that he’d woven for himself. 

“Just stop! Just let me off! Please!” His broken words went unheard, falling upon deaf ears as his voice faded. Blood was gushing out, just like rivers, reminding Evan of the ocean, and it stained every part of him with what he’d made himself out to be. He’d done this to himself… He’d done this to everyone else…. 

The shadows began to consume him, crawling dangerously at the edges of his vision, forcing him to his hands and knees as he gasped and withered like the pathetic piece of trash he was. Black and red pooled around him, constricting what little movements he had left and squeezing mercilessly at his throat. 

**Abandoned.**

**Liar.**

**Failure.**

**Worthless.**

**Lonely.**

**Jerk.**

**Broken mess.**

**Stupid.**

**Cowardly.**

They dug in further, cutting, and scraping at his his bones and rattling them with tremors. 

**Ugly.**

**Fake.**

**Waste of-**

 

“Evan…?”

A voice broke through the haze… It was gentle and soft, caressing his battered mind with a certain kindness that lulled him closer instantly, pulling him down and grounding him. 

“Ev…”

Evan shuddered as something soft touched his cheek, holding it tenderly and running a soothing thumb back and forth, pulling him even further with the warmth the small touch provided to his cold body. 

“Hansen.”

He opened his eyes, not even having realized that he’d closed them, and was relieved to find that his vision was clear, no longer obscured with shadows, and blood, no longer covered with floods of tears that drained him. His vision was clear, and they instantly locked onto the cloudy, blue eyes that looked down at him… not with hate, or disgust… but with concern, and relief. 

 

“What on earth are you doing here…? You shouldn’t… oh gosh, Ev… what did you do…?”

  
  


…

 

……

  
  


………..

  
  


“.....Connor?”  


End file.
